Advice letter

Dear Lady Brett Ashley,
     Your promiscuous ways have disrupted the peace. You have made Robert an overconfident pig. Mike is becoming ever so distant because of your affairs, and Jake is depressed yet also confused because of your confession of love. Why do you feel the need to play with these men's emotions? They have all shown you love and compassion, but you are not willing to return the favor with anything but sex. It is time that you started acting like a "Lady" and choose a man to stay with forever.the first step to reverse your ways is to pace yourself while drinking. You have made to many mistakes due to alchohol. If you sober up you might be able to make a rational decision for once, and not have another one of your little affairs. By having relations with Robert he now thinks that he has a chance to win your heart; but does anyone actually have a chance? You say you love Jake, but I have not seen any proof of this. Why would you let the man you love live in grief because he could not have you due to injuries? Please consider this advice and take it to heart, because I do not want any more havoc to be caused between friend such as yours. Try a little harder to make the right decisions and good thigns will come.

                                                                                Your Friend,
                                                                                         Lucas

Standing Fifty Feet Away Looking Kind of Spooked

I was in Mr. Baumgartner's laboratory and I saw a fancy little remote which for some reason I decided to pick up. Mr. B had clearly labeled the big green power button  with a do not touch sign. The sign was blatanly disregarded by yours truly and upon pressing the button I was immediately sucked into a worm hole and transported to what looked like the mesozoic era, but my paleontology is a little rusty. The ground was shaking violently when I landed and I assumed this was due to the worm hole, but I was sorely mistaken. The Tyrannosaurus Rex was approachingme at a startling pace. I did the first thing that came to mind, RUN. Thankfully, the terrain was a jungle which as you can imagine is not easy for a thirty foot dinosaur to run through. However, I was quite capable being the wrestler I am with vast amounts of stamina and great reflexes. We traversed through the jungle for a considerable amount of time until all of a sudden the T-Rex began to slow to a stop and I assumed I had tired him out, but when I looked ahead I saw that a pack of velociraptors was waiting for us about fifty feet ahead. At this point I did the most sensible thing and began to count my blessings and pray. Before I could finish my second sentence of prayer they were on me, claws digging into my flesh tearing at my face. It was as if they did not want me to die, but only to suffer. Two of the creatures went for my legs, attempting to rip them of for a nice snack. I could barely breath due to the amount of blood in my mouth and most likely filling my lungs, and in my last moments I was able to find some satisfaction with my death because the beasts tearing me to shreds were crushed along with myself. They did not seem to notice that their pack mates were attacking a massive sauropod and chasing him towards us. They jumped up to attack him and he fell directly on top of me. Karma has its ups and downs, but I died with a smile on my face.